


Bikesoren, or, How Soren Got His Bike Back

by iavenjqasdf



Series: Bad [5]
Category: Fire Emblem: Soen no Kiseki/Akatsuki no Megami | Fire Emblem Path of Radiance/Radiant Dawn
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bike Cuck, Bikesoren, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Humor, Ikesoren - Freeform, M/M, i'm using "serious" in the most generous sense of the word by the way, what am I even doing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-18
Updated: 2017-11-27
Packaged: 2019-02-04 00:19:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12759228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iavenjqasdf/pseuds/iavenjqasdf
Summary: And so, the accounting major found himself lying in wait in the frosty early morning air, only a faded hoodie and the meager insulation of the shrubbery to keep him warm. But it would all be worth it if he’d manage to catch the fucker who kept stealing his bike!





	1. bike cuck soren

**Author's Note:**

  * For [wyvernlordminerva](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wyvernlordminerva/gifts).



> Trish: Ha ha bike cuck Soren  
> Me: I must immediately write this and play it completely seriously

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the saga begins

Soren shifted slightly, wincing at the crunch of brittle branches as he adjusted his vantage point. From behind this bush, he had a clear view of the bike rack just outside the main Econ lecture hall at the prestigious Crimea U; the same rack he’d parked his bike at twice just this semester, only to find it missing.

Well, no more! He’d purposely spent the last of his savings from months of monotonous pizza-delivery work on a brand new bicycle; he hadn’t bothered with a lock, seeing as how the previous ones had been snapped as easily as the novelty plastic handcuffs he’d found himself shackled to Rhys with at a party once.

(That was the first and last party Soren had ever willingly attended.)

And so, the accounting major found himself lying in wait in the frosty early morning air, only a faded hoodie and the meager insulation of the shrubbery to keep him warm. But it would all be worth it if he’d manage to catch the fucker who kept stealing his-!

“Excuse me, sir?”

Soren let out a squeal (one much shriller than he’d be willing to admit to, in retrospect) at the hand suddenly clamping down hard on his bony shoulder. He stumbled to his feet in an attempt to escape the predator, but ended up tripping over the dead leaves littering the grass below and slipping ass-first into the bush instead.

He found himself facing that most dreaded of sights: campus security. This guy didn’t look like a pushover, either; he easily had a head and a half on Soren, and biceps that alone probably weighed as much as Soren’s entire body. Also, his hair was blue, but considering how many liberal arts majors there were on this campus, that would place him in the majority, and Soren, with his shoulder length, jet-black locks, as the outlier.

“Uh-“ Soren thought himself a shrewd strategist, but he’d never once even considered the possibility that he’d be questioned for his trap like this. If there wasn’t enough security to keep his bike from getting stolen on a monthly basis, surely there wouldn’t be anyone to notice him taking matters into his own hands? “Sorry, I’m just, uh-“

“Need some help?” the security guard’s smile seemed friendly, or at the very least not effusively hostile (‘not too mean’! Soren needed to stop rereading his thesaurus before bed), extending a hand that easily dwarfed Soren’s own to help the scrawnier man to his feet. “Are you alright, sir?”

“Um, yeah, I guess,” Soren scoffed, refusing to make eye contact as he brushed the plant detritus from his clothes. “Did you need something, officer?”

“Yeah, someone reported a suspicious figure sneaking around behind the bushes, and I guess that’s you,” the guard chuckled, seemingly more amused than suspicious about Soren’s actions. “The name’s Ike, by the way.”

“Er, right. Well, Officer Ike, I was waiting back here- and I _was_ waiting, not ‘sneaking’!- to try to catch the fucker who keeps stealing my bike,” Soren explained, hissing the last few words through gritted teeth as he thought about all the money he’d been forced to spend on transport, rather than books or mountains of take-out.

“Someone’s been stealing your bike?” Ike furrowed his brow, a skeptical frown tugging at his lips to match. “How come you didn’t come talk to one of us first?”

“I don’t trust authority,” Soren stated bluntly, before an offended squint from the officer caused him to backtrack. “Er, I mean, no offense, Offi- Ike, but I figured it would be best I took matters into my own hands, rather than wasting your valuable time on something like this.”

Ike gave a sympathetic smile. “Well, I appreciate your honesty, but we can’t allow students to sneak around like that. It distracts from ‘cultivating a welcoming environment for students’, as they make us say.” Soren simply offered a frustrated hum in response, so he continued. “But I’d be glad to help you find the culprit if you’re willing to work with me.”

Soren considered this offer; this “Ike” fellow seemed sympathetic enough to his plight, and more lenient with enforcing the rules than some of the other officers Soren had had run-ins with in the past. This was likely his best shot at tracking down that fucker that kept stealing his bike. “All right, you’ve got a deal.”

“Great!” Ike laughed. “So, first thing’s first; where’s your bike right now?”

Soren scrunched his face up in befuddlement. “What are you talking about? It’s right-“

He pointed at the empty rack where his bike had been just a moment ago.

“…there.”

“Is that it?” Ike pointed at a figure strolling off down the way, some douche with an obnoxious red ponytail walking the bike along beside him.

“Oh yeah, that’s him, alright,” Soren growled, taking off after the thief with Ike in hot pursuit.


	2. Book him, boys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> shinon gets fucking expelled and soren gets fucking annoyed by his roommates

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what am i doing

“So, let me get this straight; you expect me to believe you weren’t stealing the student’s bike, but rather, were ‘simply taking it to get washed’?” Ike stated incredulously.

“Not my fault. Dude can’t keep his stuff in good shape,” Shinon gave a petulant shrug. “Couldn’t help but wanna clean it. Got that ‘obsession compulsiveness syndrome’, or whatever it’s called.”

With a frustrated groan, Ike stomped out of the interview room. He probably should’ve known there would be trouble students on this campus, given the fact that they found it necessary to even have one in the first place.

* * *

Said ‘dude’ perked up at the sound of footsteps, glancing up from his seat in the waiting area. “So what’s his excuse?” Soren asked, shutting his dog-eared textbook as he stared through the one-way glass window (again, how’d they justify _that_ in the budget?).

“He claims we got the wrong impression, that he was going to wash and return the bike to you,” Ike laughed mirthlessly. “Actually, he said he’s considering pressing charges against _us_ for discriminating against the mentally ill, and told me to tell you that you’re a ‘cuckold’ and to lawyer up.”

"I see." Soren shoved the book into his bag, standing with a neutral expression. “You take bribes, yes? How much would it take to let me at him for five minutes while you look the other way?”

Ike laughed again, this time for real. “Don’t worry about it. He’s got a disciplinary record longer than that book of yours’; dean’s gonna talk to him, and honestly, I’d be surprised if he’s still on campus tomorrow.”

Soren allowed himself a tiny smile (more of a smirk, really). Titania was not known for her leniency on repeat offenders; Shinon’s fate was all but sealed. “Well, that’s a relief. I suppose campus security isn’t as completely incompetent as I’d been led to believe.” He offered a hand to Ike, who shook it with enough force to make Soren wince. “Thank you for your assistance, Ike.”

“No problem,” the officer grinned, gently placing his hand on Soren’s back as he walked him towards the exit. “And, hey, if someone gives you any more trouble with your bike, you come back and ask for me, alright? I’ll make sure you get the help you need.”

“Noted,” Soren noted, giving Ike a polite nod before exiting, relieved to find his bike still on the rack, good as new.

* * *

“Well, someone’s in a good mood!” came a familiar voice from the kitchen. “You barely even slammed the door today!” Yep, it was definitely Ranulf. Soren sighed, easing himself (and his book) into one of the beanbag chairs surrounding their ancient TV, used exclusively for games of Mario Kart on particularly lazy evenings.

“I guess you could say that,” Soren scoffed, grimacing as Ranulf dove onto the other beanbag, filling the tiny dorm with a cloud of crumbs and Cheeto dust. Indeed, Soren was quite content to find things getting back to normal as of late; he could finally leave his bike outside, secure in the knowledge that it would still be waiting for him when he got back from one of Professor Mordecai’s lectures on capital gains tax rates. Perhaps he’d actually be able to get some learning done now, if Ranulf’s… _lacking_ sense of hygiene didn’t do him in first.

“Oh, Soren, you’re back!” Soren groaned at the sound of his _other_ roommate’s infuriatingly chipper voice. “Did you lose your bike again?”

“No, Mia, my bike wasn’t _stolen_ today, for once,” Soren grumbled, shutting his book in resignation. “I actually got campus security on my side for once, and they caught the guy who kept _stealing_ it.”

Mia rolled her eyes. “Well, I’m glad you didn’t misplace- oh, sorry, _have it stolen_ , again.” Soren heard her move into the kitchen behind him; he didn’t look, but she was probably skipping. “You know how I know you’re lying?”

“I’m not lying!” Soren growled; he knew Mia was just trying to get a rise out of him, but dammit, he just couldn’t help himself.

“Okay, smoking gun number one: only liars say that,” she grinned, throwing herself onto Soren’s beanbag with what would’ve been enough force to propel him through the ceiling, had he not scrambled out of the way just in time.

“It’s true!” Ranulf concurred between handfuls of chocolate chips straight out of the bag. “Total liar move, right there.”

“Number two: you keep saying your bike was stolen. I might’ve believed that alone, but you? On the same page as any sort of authority figure? Dead giveaway, my dude.”

“Cut it out,” Soren scooted himself as far away from the predator as possible, hoodie puffing up to make him seem larger in an attempt to ward them off. “Look, not _all_ of my interactions with them have ended with me getting tazed-”

“Wait, wait!” Ranulf had rolled onto his back, fingers outstretched in a kind of camera gesture. “I can see the slogan now: _Taze; bet you can’t have just one!_ ”

“I give up. You guys are impossible,” Soren spat, gathering his books as he retreated to his room.

“Good night to you, too!” Mia called after him with a laugh, cut off by the sound of the door slamming.

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to Lottie Wyvernlordminerva for enabling this monstrosity  
> More chapters to come, maybe


End file.
